Where to begin?

Where to begin?

For not only the purpose of this blog, but the purpose of this writing and a question I struggle to answer every single day. Where do I begin? It's legitimate, because I have grown and learned without teaching of a mentor. My teachers have been my experiences, sadly. My parents forgot or never knew that a child needs to be cared for more than knowing what not to do or to simply be told "school is important, so you won't have to end up like me." I needed to know from someone who knew about how to go about the beginnings of things, other than to "roll with the punches" and "never give up." HOW DO I DO THINGS? HOW?!

I think that part of starting things is defined by the many, many ways you can go about it. Science and even religion tells us that by nature beginnings are frantic and delicate. That things may be in an order of chaos but there is a fragile harmony in that and should a slight variation happen than things would be different than they are, or could be. If you haven't noticed after reading the preceding entries, I have no self esteem, no courage for my own sake and live in perpetual fear of things I have no control over and many things that I do. You may have placed together that I am trying, and just barely being successful at NOT failing, which to me is grin inducing progress.

But I want more, I know I can do more, but where do I begin? How do I GO? I am so afraid at not being good enough to myself, and to others that I would rather not try. There is irony in that the people in my life believe in me, and most would love me the same rise or fall. These same people want to help me, but I am so afraid. I keep making excuses to procrastinate everything, literally everything. From washing dishes to writing a script to drawing. My inner dialog of fear driven desperation tells me all I need is time to sort my thoughts and time to be bored. I know I do, doesn't everyone at least want time to gaher themselves and have time to find themselves?

Like most things for me, I need to make time to change things. I need to find a way to motivate myself for the sake of myself to start doing what i believe with every bit of energy of my being what I was created to do. Created to be, because what I am is good enough. It is as I believe everyone is, absolutely unique and irreplaceable. I have to begin with myself. I know that now. I have to begin by being who I am, accepting it and embracing it and the possibilities of being that person. As I wrote that last sentence I felt guilty. Guilty for giving myself praise or attention away from others. What is wrong with being happy with who you are? I don't know that answer...

To begin at the beginning of what I want to do, which is the start point of every decision I make, which is myself. A broken car will get you nowhere, and a broken being is just as helpless.